a mamma in the making

Thursday
June 5, 2008

I just finished my morning meditation and am reminded that we are all bundles of energy. Somewhere along the line, mine got stuck yesterday—heavy and compressed, I either slept or floated groggily along while awake. Instead of letting it be, I then judged it, judged myself for not accomplishing more, for not being upbeat, bright, happy. I have so much to be grateful for, and this energy form did not match that picture. Truth is, our energy is constantly shifting, even if it seems to be “stuck” in one place for a while. I know that by criticizing it or myself for whatever form it takes only encumbers me more. The wisdom lies in letting it transform, in its own good time.

What that means for me today is to take some of the pressure off. I am still tired, and am thankfully with a partner who understand that making a baby is not exactly an effortless task on the body (or the mind). I will allow myself the gift and humanity of resting when necessary, of going very slow if that is what is called for, of not getting trapped in my mind, which wants to create some strange personal hell for myself. The mind says “You must accomplish this and this and this today, and look and feel good while doing it.” The heart says “Relax, buttercup. The grass grows on its own without pressure from the sky. Its roots are firm but free.”

Everything about me is changing so quickly. Not just on the outside, with my body and my coming role as a parent, but on the inside, too. I’m not sure of myself anymore, everything is new and strange. I feel raw and a bit withdrawn, and at the same time shielded and lonely. Does that make sense? Yin, yang, it’s all in there.

My identity was once tied up in being a creator: writer, artist, dancer, performer. Single, self-assured, independent, capable of almost anything I set my mind to. In this, I felt “safe.” But how safe can one be if one does not allow themselves the liberty to move freely out of these self-imposed roles? THAT is the ego talking. And when the ego is challenged and diminished, there is total freedom, total safety, total liberation. You can be anything you want, anytime.

The emotional world can be a place of trickery, as much as we think it wise to tap into those currents. How quickly I’d forgotten about the flow of spirit, of energy— look at the suffering that followed it. When all is said and done, I am simply a human form here on this plane, finding my way to better align my vibration, and now, a container in which to bring forth new form, this being that now swims and flutters with total assurance in the safety of my womb.

And remember that the science of your hormones is changing rapidly, that this can have its affects on how your mind wants to process things. Again, it is the physical realm that gets its grip on you. You can change the dynamic of it by focusing on the energetic flow, by not attaching to the specifics, but letting things move freely through you. It really can be that simple if you stop thinking so much, if you catch yourself when you start to fall into that bottomless pit that can be so hard to climb back out of.

Stay in the moment. Be still when necessary, but move your body, too. Breathe. Sing. Swim. Write. Laugh. Or cry if that’s what’s coming up for you. Rub your belly. Give a hug. Pet the cats. Sweep the floors. Feel the sun on your face. Pick up the mangoes that have fallen from the tree. Eat one. Be grateful. Trust the flow. Love as if you knew it was your last day on earth. You will look back on this time with an odd longing, despite all that is strange and difficult and confusing.