June 18, 2008
Wednesday
Sleepless night, again. Preparation for what’s to come, I suppose, and good medicine for any sense of stress that may find its way into my over-analytical mind. Creates a nice mellowness, if I let myself surrender to it and don’t judge myself for not feeling gung-ho or precise, tight and clear. Though it IS clear, in a different sort of way.
It’s been nice rising at 6 a.m. with Rob, sharing some coffee with him as he finishes getting ready for work, checking emails and sitting in with my meditation practice. Helps create the clarity, too.
Was hoping to join John Duke in his trek to bring his longboat Aida from Little Torch Key to Oceanside Marina. A four hour trip that’ll go pretty slow along the shallows- a great way for me to check out some possible places for the small birthday party that will now include, if all goes as planned, Sarah Baldwin. Sarah is a dear friend of Marina’s and a midwife from the Gainesville area; we had a great conversation Monday and it is amazing how much better I feel about all of the ideas I have about this birth, giving much of it some weight and credibility, not to mention backed by her and Marina’s wisdom. The Bimini vision is slowly fading, sadly. As much as I envision it because of its clear waters and amazing creatures, it feels too complicated and expensive. I need to start envisioning Sugarloaf, Summerland or an area thereabouts, imagine a clear, calm day, with the dolphins all around us. I think it will also help to start working with Marina in the water, doing her aquanatal techniques. I hope we can get out on the water to visit with the dolphins this weekend; it will help us connect.
It’s a strange thing, making this birthing “plan.” Or rather, birthing “plans.” It may not go as we would like, and we need to be flexible to whatever arises. What is strange about it is that it is important to really imagine it as already existing, creating that energy around it in order to better manifest it, but at the same time, not be attached. Expectations cause so much suffering. I am already aware that I am not aware of what the body sensations will be like, a.k.a PAIN. I hope I can keep my ego out of it and simply acknowledge it as “sensation.” I want to stay calm. I remembered yesterday, quite vividly, of the experience I had in Costa Rica, stepping on the sting ray and getting stung at the very tender pressure point on the bottom of my foot. My then partner was in freak-out mode, and I had to take charge and keep myself calm while what seemed like fire the size of an elephant flew through my lymph nodes. I remember detaching from the “pain” and even being impressed by it, amazed at the power of this creature’s defense mechanism. The only time it would really get painful was when I slipped into emotion and attachment mode, depressed that my partner was not capable of being sympathetic. But breathing, reiki, visualization and staying in the moment helped me not only NOT go into shock (in the past I’ve had to go to the hospital if I got stung by a bee), but to heal it very quickly, too, without the typical infections and scarring. I was hiking on it within a week.
So what am I rambling about? (So much for clarity, right?) I suspect the whole labor and delivery experience is about being very present and not letting ego be involved, trusting the flow, surrendering, being expansive, loving, soft but strong. Which is a good metaphor for life, don’t you think?
Still, I REALLY hope that everything lines up and we can make our short journey to the sea, to a clear cove somewhere, that this being can arrive with the expanse of ocean around her, and the sonar wash of love from dolphins nearby, the sun shining down on us all as she slips easily out of me, her soul ready, her body strong, with Rob and I able to support all of it as it happens, with love and encouragement from Marina and Sarah nearby.
