heavy hearted. i’ve been staring at this post template for over an hour, thoughts drifting around, trying to collect exactly what it is i want to say. there is no reason for me to feel blue, but i do. perhaps it is just exhaustion. feeling unable to bridge or integrate the worlds around me: mother, partner, artist, friend.
last night we all went out for dinner, to our visiting friend’s favorite mexican restaurant. i was burnt out on seava’s fussing. a new tooth coming in, her first. she was tired, too. my well-meaning friends attempted words of comfort. i barked, balked. then retreated deeper inside myself, feeling rotten.
when we got home, i lay the babe down to sleep, climbed under the covers together. fed her until she was content, her little arm waving wildly about. that funny little arm. but she was not sleepy anymore. she wanted to sing.
i taught her how to play hide and seek under the covers. her eyes grew huge when i pulled the covers over her head. then she squealed when i pulled them off. i’d cover her up and she’d make her way free, laughing. the girls came in, and she did her little dances for them, flirting. and then the house grew quiet, we all tucked in. and i was happy again, safe, still, my two loves snuggled by.
that said, im going to go lay back down. i rise early when she sleeps, hoping to get some things done. but when all is said and done, i’d rather be snuggled up under the covers with her. ah, the push/pull of motherhood………
