a mamma in the making

last night i had this dream:  i was on a ferry, a historic ferry, headed out of the key west bight.  i’m not sure where we went, but it included a lot of chaos, and falling into the water for a while, where pods of thousands of giant manatees swam around me at high speeds. somehow, i made it back to the boat.  upon returning to the key west bight, i sat up on the highest level and could see dolphins, hundreds of them, following the boat.  i got off the boat into a crowd at the terminal, and saw this fellow i presumably knew, quite happy, because he got a job on a new boat, “discovery,”  and had he known i was interested in going out on the water, i could have avoided the masses and gone on the “discovery” for free.  the owners of “discovery” where good people, he said.  in fact, they just gave him the day off, and paid him, too, so he could rest.  and, he said, the dolphins always follow them.

so if this seem like a strange segue, perhaps it is.  but i think there’s something to that dream about freedom, discovery, flow, love and consciousness wrapped up in it….. which has me thinking about how i’ve been using my “free” time lately, what works, what doesn’t seem to be, and what new things i might try to create better flow.

next week marks the year anniversary of this blog, which i started as a joural of sorts for seava, and a way to dialogue with her while pregnant as well as a way to explore questions & discover answers.  but, as with all things and their beginnings, there must be endings, too.

i’ve been struggling to balance out the various parts of myself, feeling really dis-integrated.  i have held out, hoping for flow, and pushed onward, motored by fumes.  i love and care for our high-energy, power-napping (maximum one hour, usual fifteen minutes) babe all day.  the house is often mostly clean, the laundry done and put away. i more often than not make three nice meals a day, tend to our pets, and take a walk each day.

my yoga mat is in the corner collecting dust, i have two unfinished books that have been “almost done” for longer than i care to admit, three new children’s books underway, dance clothes that are packed away, choreography that i made up and have since forgotten for a dance film, and so many photographs on my computer that it is in jeaporady of crashing.

the worst of it is, when i get on the computer to blog, i inevitably veer off course, looking at other people’s blogs or finding cool new possibilities for creative projects.  in my old life, these thigns would be perfectly acceptable for me.  no problem to skip meals and stay up til two or three in the morning.  no problem to daydream about a surf trip to indonesia, spawned by happening upon some travel blog.  no problem to try clay-bodied doll-making or painting with beeswax or creating acrylic transfers atop my images on canvas.  everything, i find, is possible.

but…another thing i have found is this:  all in due time.  so, to save myself the invariable stress of wanting to do it all in a time where it just ISN’t possible, i am letting it all go.    well, not it all.  just the internet part.  i’m taking a break from the cyber world for a while, and will relish in the little things without thinking at all about how i will document those little moments for later.  i will simply live it, and give what i have to what is right in front of my face:  my girl, my partner, my pets, my friends.  living things, right here, right now, that deserve me (and i deserve) more than all the exploring in this virtual world will ever offer.

so until later………………………………..  be well.  love often.  laugh much.  xo

This entry was posted on March 14, 2009 at 10:57 am and is filed under being a mother and an artist.

Tags: being rather than doing, going with the flow..., last blog entry