a mamma in the making

it is 4:55 and i’ve been up since 2:30, Seava wanting to nurse because i’ve certainly established the idea that i’m an all night snack bar and if i say no there’s hell to pay and then my cat started crying because he had to pee and the poor guy is 14 and the last thing i want is for him to die of a bladder infection because we’re too lazy to open the door for him so now i’m up, out of bed, which i layed in for an hour trying to be still, in the middle of my babe and boyfriend, listening to them both breathe and wondering if i’d ever feel right again about snuggling up into rob’s arms like he was the great protector, my knight in shimmering armour now that i’m a mother and supposed to be a protector too.

there’s another baby inside of me, weighing in at 4 paperclips and sometimes i swear i can feel her moving, swimming about in there but it’s probably just gas because i haven’t really pooped in what seems like weeks, which is probably one of the reasons i am so nauseas and why i can’t sleep.  i know i should say it’s a her because i’ll feel really stupid if it’s a him when we find out at month 5 with the gestational tests and ultrasound up in miami, but something has me feeling like it’s another girl.

maybe it’s because i’m surrounded by girl energy all day long with Seava, and my intuition has taken a deep sleep and im just going on what i’m being infused with.  pink dresses with hibiscus on them, bloomers, lime green mary janes that squeak when she walks.  and that’s nothing about her personality, which is almost all girl, save the strong swagger and force with which she thrusts herself upon you during any phsyical contact.

so im here, on the couch now, just having polished off a half a row of saltines and a reeds ginger brew, just having googled cures for nausea to see if im missing anything and 10 weeks pregnant because i’ve forgetton everything about what it’s like to be pregnant.  i’m not as eager to discover it this time around, since i have a wee one alredy that needs my care, focus, attention.  i worry that i won’t have enough energy to give them both when the new babe arrives, that i won’t love her as much as i do Seava, but then i laugh at the thought of love and energy being finite and let myself relax.  a little, at least.  which is why it’s five in the morning and im still not sleeping.

but, yes, i am tired, and in a way i never imagined tired to be.   i have seen my life as i knew it dissolve into essentially something entirely different and i am trying to shift my perspective that it is not a bad thing, just different.  to eliminate my suffering of missing what once was, which was total freedom and creative opportunity at any willing moment, i must let it all go and be present with what is.  and in the same breath, figure a way not to totally lose my self in the process.  prioritze.  the next two or three years will be about prioritizing.  my “free” time will have to include things that nurture my soul.  yoga, absolutely.  and then, one creative art form.  AG! to ahve to pick is devestating.

but i suspect my best bet is writing.  it’s what im best at, what one can do at five twelve in the morning without waking up the household.  something to look back on and ponder.

i think the ginger brew is kicking in.  or the crackers.  nausea lightening.  sleep calling.

if anyone has any stories, advice, anecdotes about being pregnant with a toddler already in tote, i’d love to hear all about it.  there’s not a lot out thee on this subject that i can tell so far.  pregnancy, check.  raising a toddler, check.   the panic one feels while raising a toddler and knowing another is on the way?  ?????????????????

ah, to laugh in spite of it all. and know it’s yet another gift.